“Sucker Punch” – If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.

After seeing “Watchmen” and that stupid owl movie (in 3D IMAX nonetheless), I decided that it was time to take Zack Snyder and his movies out to pasture. The guy is a talented director, don’t get me wrong, but he relies too heavily on slow motion and a pounding score rather than, you know, story. This makes it difficult to actually want to watch one of his movies, since if I didn’t want story I’d just read about the Kardashian’s. Okay that’s not entirely true, I’d rather watch “Citizen Kane” in Portuguese than read about them. I’m getting away from the point here, which is that I decided to give “Sucker Punch” a shot.

I remember getting a pre-screener invite for this movie while I was living in Los Angeles and actually wanting to go. Attractive girls in skimpy outfits blowing things up and kicking ass; who wouldn’t? I didn’t make it to the screener but I figured I’d keep my ears and eyes open for the reviews and then drag an unwilling friend to the theater to see it later. That time never came since thanks to Facebook, my film friends ripped it a new one via statuses and wall posts. Alright, can’t say I was surprised since the last film of his was about rodent eating night birds fighting for justice among the branches. Just doesn’t scream “entertaining”. Let’s fast-forward about a year when the film somehow fell back into my lap. It was earlier this week, the clock read 11:47 PM, and I figured:

“What the hell.”

It should be noted that this phrase may become a common theme here. Anyway I pulled up the movie and started to watch. It doesn’t start off too bad, some cover versions of solid decade-defining songs by presumably popular artists of the now generation against the background of our soon-to-be heroine. As the “story” unfolded it kind of became hard to follow, almost in an “Inception” way, only instead of being slightly lost and trying to catch up I found myself sitting there going, “There’s no way that’s actually what’s happening.” Sad to say that by the end of the film, I was exactly right. The whole movie is basically a fever dream, for both you and the main character Baby Doll, played out very well by the quite talented Emily Browning. However that’s about all you get. She falls into some trance during a dance lesson and is told by a robed Scott Glenn that she needs five items in order to escape the asylum where she is currently incarcerated (placed there by a pissed off step-dad). She comes out of said fever dream and is ready to obtain these items with the help of her other courtesan/insane friends. I wish I could say hilarity ensues, but it’s more like sitting in the corner of your bathtub crying.

Visually this movie is pretty cool. Neat graphics and fun coloring make it at the very least, pleasing to the eye. But if you want something with some more substance that you won’t guess the ending to in the first five minutes, grab your nearest copy of “War and Peace”.

DIRECTOR’S CUT: Don’t get suckered into this one, or else you deserve the punch.


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